Tuesday, 10 May 2016


I thought that after a terrible 2015, this year would be kinder to me, but no.  Life keeps handing me lemons, and I'm not Beyonce. I am trying to move out of London at the moment- not permanently, but I need to take a step back and assess life.  Although, I know I'm never going to be able to settle in London or one day raise a family there, so what am I doing there at all?  My left eye is still full of blood and getting worse, meaning I'll have to have surgery on it, as currently I cannot see out of it at all.  I feel a mixture of sadness, anxiety and numbness a lot of the time, and with each lemon I'm handed, I'm finding it harder to pick myself up and make the damn lemonade.

Small things help to keep me going just as much as they can knock me sideways.  I know how important self-care is, so I go and I get my nails done because they make me feel good.  I paint my eyebrows on every day because without them I look as tired as I often feel.  I buy creams and moisturisers from Lush to heal my tattoos and hydrate my sandpaper skin.

I'm still working things out though.  I don't think I hate myself as much as I once did.  There are good days and bad days, and healing (both physical and mental) is not always a straightforward thing.  I have to try to be positive through the negative.  The path with no obstacles probably leads nowhere.

Inbetween packing up and unpacking my life, I have focused on a few things other than feeling sorry for myself.  I spent a few days with my cousin Gronk, writing and recording some music (which you can listen to HERE) I had a few days down near Brighton with my Dad and I've been watching the new season of Game of Thrones which keeps my mind occupied with theories and dreams of other worlds.

The pineapple cup is from Urban Outfitters, and is one of the small pleasures that will see me through the summer.  Every time I use it I will smile.  I can't wait for summer to be well and truly here- the grey skies and miserable rain made buying the last sprinkles doughnut (to have with my cuppa) all the more tempting.

I'm really looking forward to next week- Nottingham, Busted, friends I haven't seen in a while, tattoo sessions and some time to relax.

I suppose it's not all bad, ey.

Wonderlander x

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